How To Be Alone

verabear Newbie Wife 11 Comments

At the risk of sounding anti-Valentine’s, here’s my Valentine’s Day post.

When you’re happy in your head (and in your heart), alone becomes okay.

I am trying to be okay alone. No, there is nothing wrong in MarriageVille, we are still keeping on. But having different schedules has sometimes meant having to spend a lot of time on my own in the past few months. I haven’t always liked it, I am used to doing things with the hubby and I like it that way. But suddenly today, watching this video shared on the Post Secret Facebook page, I realised that i should also be okay with being alone.

What do I do by myself? I rarely run errands just by myself. Therein lies my biggest dependence on the husband. I drive for him, but he does the legwork. There were two online purchases I needed to say for over the counter at BPI and I got delayed because I wanted to wait for him to do it for me. I haven’t taken my car for a good wash in over a week and a half because I didn’t want to wait by myself. That is just wrong.

But the other day, while the husband was in bed, feeling pain in his joints, I went out by myself to get food and some painkillers. It wasn’t so bad! I did forget to pick up the food I paid for at the drive-thru window, but all in all it was still okay. Yes. I ordered, paid at the first window, and then went right past the second window and out onto the street! I realised my mistake about 10 seconds later and went right back. That was funny.

I tend to do a lot of thinking when I drive alone. That’s a good thing, but it can also mean i tend to be distracted.

In mid-2014 I also did something just by myself for the first time ever – I signed up for a retreat where I didn’t know anybody, and I drove myself to Batangas all by myself.

I like the idea. And I think I should continue working on it. I think it’s not just good for myself, but it would do wonders for my marriage too.

2016: Getting Ready

verabear Newbie Wife 23 Comments

The past year was the year of the unexpected. In all aspects of my life, I was bent on simply cultivating and deepening relationships, and becoming an even better mentor for my direct reports at work. I was also going to try to be a good wife. A better friend, a more present family member. I was also going to take better care of myself.

But things progressed at work faster than I could ever have imagined. After a wonderful trip to my personal heaven (Sagada) with my Team (and Mr A of course) to close out the first quarter of the year, I immediately had to leave them to build another one. And that kind of took over my life. Or I used it as an excuse not to really work hard on the hundred and one other things I wanted to carry out in 2015.

The good thing is that we are given a clean slate every single day when we wake up. We can do better, we can be better. We can take the lessons from yesterday, tuck the experience under our belt, and start fresh. And start stronger than before.

So that’s what we’re doing this year, Mr A and I. We want to get pregnant, but we know that we’re probably not ready yet. We’re slobs, overweight, and we can be very selfish too. So this year is all about getting ourselves ready to get pregnant. Maybe it will take more than this year before we get the baby we’re praying for, but we’re going to prepare.

Getting Ready – Newbie Wife and Mr A

Health and Fitness is a big theme for our year. Mr A is going to try to cook with a little less fat, and a bit more veggies. We are  also trying to move more. He gave me a Fitbit Charge for Christmas to help get me more interested in getting up and around. I want something we could do together but he doesn’t want to do Zumba with a class. Now I don’t think simply signing up with a gym membership will work for us because I think that we’ll need personal trainers and that can get really expensive. So he came up with the idea to do dance lessons instead. I’m not taking him seriously on that though, not until we get into a studio and actually start dancing! So for starters, we just really need to be more active.

Emergency Fund. I wish I could say that it’s the time for investments, but it isn’t yet for us. A year after getting married, we’ve done an okay job keeping our finances in order. We’ve cut down our debts, and we got a new car. We need more security though, specially if we’re to add a wee little baby to this family of three (we got a puppy in October!).  So this year, we’re going to stick to our guns and save more to setup that cushion around us. We’re going to have to be really creative here. Hmm.

Now those are two major areas that we’re concentrating on for now. Of course there are others, like getting better at keeping the house in order and not just for when my parents come home for the weekend. We also need to get a better flow so we can spend quality time despite having very different shifts and days off work. We also need more specific, actionable, and measurable plans. I’m going to have to do my best to write about that. I know that getting things published somehow helps Mr A and I a bit more accountable.

A few months ago, I voiced out how we perhaps needed to find a new common hobby. Years ago we had Photography; and there’s always the love of food, and movies. But we needed a new one we could bond over, and spend meaningful time together for. Talking about getting ready and aligning our goals for the year feels like IT. So maybe this will really work this time around.

From Mr A and I, Happy New Year! For married folks out there, what are your Couple Goals for this year?

Not expecting. Yet.

verabear Newbie Wife 23 Comments

Have you heard the news? Another December 2014 bride is on the family way. That makes 3 pregnant celebrities who walked down the aisle around the same time that I did.

They are pregnant. Expectant moms. Yay!

I am not.

Are we trying? We said we would. And we said that we would make lifestyle changes so we can really have a fighting chance of having a baby soon. So far, none of what we planned has yet happened. And there is no baby on the way.

Now how do I really feel about it? Every time I hear about another woman my age getting pregnant, I think I worry more about getting asked about when it will be my turn. It’s that more than feeling sad or envious that I am not yet pregnant. I don’t have the right to be sad, or envious. I haven’t done everything to prepare myself and my body for that blessing.

I don’t exercise.

I still eat pretty much anything I want to.

I could be more intentional in how I spend my spare time and more proactive at home.

We haven’t seen a doctor to help us find out what we need to be doing to make sure we can conceive. I have lived with PCOS and hormonal imbalance since college. They say it really won’t be easy given that. We are both obese. But there are people with similar circumstances as ours who don’t have difficulty conceiving.

Why haven’t I/we done any of these? Maybe because I am afraid that after all the time and effort, we’ll find that we still can’t make babies.

So there. That’s how I really feel about it.

His and Hers

verabear Newbie Wife 35 Comments

Truly, even after your union in marriage, husband and wife continue to be separate. My husband (wow, this is the first time I refer to the boyfriend as such on the blog) and I can be as different as white from black, hot from cold. Not in all ways, but surely, in many ways. The choice of drinks is but one example.

His & her drinks. The hubby & I differ in many ways, choice of drink is just one. In the face of crisis magkaiba din kami, pero sakto naman, balance lang. Thank you Lord at hindi kami nasaktan sa aksidente kanina. Thank you din at safe din yung other party. Pero kawawa ang auto ko. Sana hindi makawawa ang bulsa ko.

A photo posted by @verabear on Mar 21, 2015 at 9:34am PDT

Our different personalities were highlighted to me again on Saturday night, after finding ourselves in the middle of a vehicular accident. We were driving home from celebrating Amir’s Moving Up Day in Fairview, when I exited Elliptical Road to Quezon Avenue and a delivery truck suddenly hit me on the driver’s side.

We were in the middle of conversation, and were abruptly shocked. I felt the jolt, heard the metal crash, but suffered nothing else but shock. After hitting the breaks and watching the truck run through my car and skid in front of me, we then saw as the truck turned on its side and continue to slide a few meters away from us to the side of the road. After a split-second of shock we decided to move my car to the side of the road and find out if the driver and his passengers needed any help. By then we saw them climbing out the passenger door window.

If you know my husband, he tends to be a hot head. He would jump into things heated and wouldn’t back down specially when he thinks he’s right. So he took care of confronting the other party, while I stayed in the car to collect myself, stay calm, and contact family and the authorities.

The Emergency Hotline 117 operator tried to be calm and assuring –

Hinga lang po ng malalim Ma’am. May nasaktan po ba?

It took awhile before personnel from MMDA arrived, and even longer for the Police Inspector. There was not much talk. The other party was blaming me, we were blaming them. A tow truck arrived, and we went on our way to the precinct. My cousins arrived to lend support. We signed papers, paid fees, had a very brief talk with the other party, before finally being able to leave. It took about three hours from the time of the accident  until we were able to go home.

On the drive home we continued to talk, despite also being exhausted. I was just thankful no one got hurt. He was fuming because the accident made him late for his lakad with friends that evening. Yet something else that is different about us: That night, I stayed with family and we de-stressed with pizza; He went out again to drink with his friends. I must stay I didn’t like that, but I had no strength to argue.

When he’s excited the way he was pumped up that night he tends to talk too much. Yes, too much. And I have to admit it hurt, some of the things he had to say. Hurt in the sense that I wanted to challenge his statements because I’d really rather have him make better choices. Hurt, but I chose to love him despite of that.

That night, I decided to love him and understand that he deals with stress differently. That perhaps there is no harm in letting him steam off with his friends. When he came home with the sun almost up, with a kiss to wake me up, I again made a decision to love him and understand that we have different ways of showing we care.

Three months into this marriage gig, and I’m finally learning something.

For married folks, in what ways are you different from your partner? Do you still argue about those differences? Share your thoughts with this Newbie Wife 🙂