Many times, we look outside for strength and confidence. As if, we needed an external source for either or both.
The truth is, we don’t.
The strength and confidence we need to overcome life’s challenges is inherent within us. I do think it needs to be coaxed and nurtured, but it is there.
And if you’re having trouble having faith on a higher being, or you just aren’t ready to grasp the idea of a Source, consider this: S/He is inside of you. Keep faith in the Source within.
Lily Owens and August Boatwright’s conversation towards the end of the The Secret Life of Bees reminded me of that today:
“When you’re unsure of yourself,” she said, “when you start pulling back into doubt and small living, she’s the one inside saying, ‘Get up from there and live like the glorious girl you are.’ She’s the power inside you, you understand?”
“And whatever it is that keeps widening your heart, that’s Mary, too, not only the power inside you but the love. And when you get down to it, Lily, that’s the only purpose grand enough for a human life. Not just to love–but to persist in love.”
Do you still remember how you answered this question when you were younger? I do.
Those were the jobs that I aspired for from grade school to high school. Pero ang totoo, kahit I never said it out loud as a dream job, I really wanted to be a performer. To act onstage or be on TV (hello, Ang TV!). I loved doing theater (also interpretative dance)!
I still remember the moment I switched from one dream to another.
It was a visit to an exhibition of Interior Design students that I got the inspiration to become a designer myself. I was very young then, 7 years old maybe? Parang ang saya kasi, seemed like such a joy to decorate rooms and spaces that would be appreciated by others.
Then I remember my Dad taking me to the still-under-construction building that would be their new office, and then having lunch with the Architect (or maybe he just told me about the Architect?). Hmm, I want to design homes and structures instead!
But after awhile, I realized that my drawing skills were very rudimentary. And I had a feeling I wasn’t creative that way – not creative enough to design spaces and structures.
But I could write.
A college Journalism professor told me so when I was 10 years old. She mentored us young writers aspiring to be part of the school paper. The school ran a great program while I was there: every start of the year, they would run a 1-day (or was it 3 days?) workshop led by her. She told us stories about her experiences, and also gave us an overview of what it means to write for a newspaper. By the end of the event, we would all have written something. Through our work, she and the school paper adviser would decide who qualifies and for what post.
I loved being part of the school paper and how we ran it. Those three years went by quickly. Sometimes I still wonder what would have happened if I kept on writing and cultivated the skill. I remember my Adviser (not the Professor who only worked with us during the workshops) believing in me so much that she came to our house one summer day to get my application for a creative writing workshop at the CCP. She also strongly encouraged me to stay in the paper for my last year (sixth grade, though she left the country that year), when I said I was switching to a different club. I wish we had stayed in touch.
Years later, when it was time to figure out what university to apply to, syempre I had to first decide what course I wanted to take. At the time, influenced by my involvement in the child rights movement, I thought I wanted to become a lawyer. A classmate told me that BA Psychology would be a good pre-law course. So I ticked that off as my first choice for UP Diliman. My next choice was Journalism.
Sometime in my first year at the University, I realized how much I didn’t enjoy going to school. Of course I loved learning, and I loved UP, I just didn’t like havingto go to school. I never did. Or maybe it was traditional classes I didn’t like? And the idea of extending my years of having to be in school just didn’t appeal to me. I decided I did not have to become a lawyer to help others.
I am not designing, not writing for a living, not advocating for someone before a court of law.
Monday, June the 3rd, marked the end of my 14-year career in the customer service/outsourcing industry.
I wish I could say I had done so on my own terms. That I had made the decision of my own free will, because I was finally ready to move on to bigger and greater things.
But the truth is, no matter how long I have been telling myself that I wanted OUT of this job (mainly because of the hours), I hadn’t so much as drafted a resignation letter in the last nine years. I didn’t even setup a LinkedIn profile until a few days ago!
There were so many excuses to stay. Even after losing my own team two years ago, I had found reasons to convince me I wasn’t meant to be anywhere else but there.
I don’t have enough of a cushion to explore what I’d rather do for a living. How would we live on a single income while I figured out what I wanted to do? (Technically, we could. There’s just the two of us after all, plus 4 dogs (and two little puppies)).
I can’t imagine working for someone else.
I’d wait until I’ve built a substantial side hustle before I quit my day job.
Moving to another BPO would just be more of the same – same shit, different office.
My friends wouldn’t be there (wherever there is. Although I mostly worked alone the past two years anyway)
Late last year, I did some exploring into the freelancing world. I researched possible online side hustles I could do while employed which I could eventually scale to a high-paying gig. But because I didn’t give myself a deadline, I had one opportunity that was barely started (an online course), and another that I hadn’t yet truly pursued. Which means when the news of my letting go was delivered to me – I had no backup plan that was already waiting for me.
But, not surprisingly, I took the news quite well. Of course, it didn’t hurt at all that I was getting a decent send-off package for all the years I had been with the company (9). But it wasn’t just that. I felt relieved that the decision had been made for me. The decision that I had been putting off for quite a while.
And it could have been worse – a lot worse. I could have lost my job due to poor performance or loss of confidence, in which case I would have left empty handed. Thank goodness that wasn’t the case.
I do not envy the position of my bosses who had to tell me the news face to face – I believe it was a tough decision, and that they would have prevented it if they could. After all, I wasn’t the only one they had to let go.
If only they knew, that all along, they were setting me free.
What they had given me was the kick in the butt I needed to finally start on a new and exciting adventure. All that’s left for me to do is to take stock of all that I have learned, maximize my strengths, and hope for the very best. Oh, and to take action.
I am hitting the road, and I am excited to find out where it takes me.
As of this writing, I am 41% into my reading goal for 2019. That’s 12 of 29 books, seven of which I finished in the months of March and April.
Here are my March books:
THE APPEAL – JOHN GRISHAM
In this novel, rated 3.59 stars on Goodreads, a giant chemical company was found guilty of dumping toxic waste that caused the worst cancer cluster that had ever been known. The verdict was a victory for the small town that had wasted away, and a much-needed win for the small husband-and-wife lawfirm that took the fight to the courts. The fight was far from over though – there was still an appeal to overcome.
I was a John Grisham fan in high school but I haven’t read much of his work in recent years. Some of the more memorable legal thrillers I’ve read had to do with torts cases like this book was focused on: Grisham’s own King of Torts, and A Civil Action by Jonathan Harr. I loved them because they were about righting wrongs, and making big companies pay for cutting corners and doing damage to life and the environment. Think Erin Brockovich, the Julia Roberts movie.
But, I have to say I am disappointed with this one. For me, it reads too much as a news story or maybe a legal transcript. It was not very compelling and not so much the legal thriller I remember Grisham writes. I was not even sure I would finish it, but I did – because I was hoping for a different ending.
It does make quite a statement though. That the legal system could be quite the sham.
A BOY MADE OF BLOCKS – KEITH STUART
Now here was a book, with a 4.3 star rating on Goodreads, that was quite heartwarming.
This is from my 2018 Big Bad Wolk Booksale haul. I saw it among the piles of books at the World Trade Center, and was intrigued by the title. I initially thought it was somehow LEGO related, but it turns out to be about a Dad who found a way to connect with his young son through the game Minecraft.
Something I takeaway from the book is the need to have a shift in perspective (in case one is needed) from seeing a person with disability as a problem that needed to be dealt with to seeing them as A PERSON, and treating them just like another human being, albeit with special needs.
LIVING DEAD IN DALLAS – CHARLAINE HARRIS
Many years ago, around 2013 if I’m not mistaken, I took two trips to the National Bookstore Warehouse sale at their Panay Ave/Quezon Ave branch, and brought home boxes of books. This, along with many other Charlaine Harris titles, was in one of those. I never got to watch the True Blood series on HBO but knew that it was based on these Sookie Stackhouse novels.
Truth is, I wasn’t interested in reading the books, but the husband (then still the boyfriend) saw the books, and at 50 pesos each, I couldn’t let it go. So we picked up all the titles we could find (and one or two dupes with a different cover), and they’d been sitting on my shelves ever since.
When it was time to get started on these books (I just decided it was time) I realized that I didn’t have Book One. I resolved to live on the edge and just start with Book Two and it wasn’t so bad. I figured I’d give it a shot and then decide if I’d read the rest, or get of rid of it. Book 2 is 3.98 starts on Goodreads.
The verdict? I wouldn’t call this one a keeper, but I think I’ll keep reading. It’s easy to read, not complicated, even shallow (?). And sometimes you need books like this one.
WRITE HERE WRITE NOW – AA PATAWARAN
Now this has got to be one of my newest favorites! It’s a book about writing and it was written so beautifully. I don’t think I can ever be as great a writer, and I don’t even mean in the sense of getting published or becoming well known – but just in terms of quality of writing.
Let’s just say that after reading, I wished I had continued to write or maybe took up writing electives while at the UP. I wish I had a writing mentor. Because I missed out on that, and years and years of no practice – I’ll just do the next best thing: continue my attempts at writing, and re-read this gem of a book every once in a while.
There goes my March books. Did you read any of these? I’d love to know what you thought about either one. What are you reading next?
This is where I check if the photos I have are good to print (the app alerts you if the resolution is too low for a 4×6 print (or a 12×12 if that’s the template you’re using)).
I also use this to collage two photos into a 4×6 print, to be cut after printing and inserted in the 3×4 pockets of my pages.
The free form text tool for adding words to my photos. The app allows the addition of .ttf font files and already I am thinking of downloading other font types for future use (that can easily go crazy).
This daily creative activity inspires even more creativity.
I organized my small stash of alphabet stickers and other embellishments!
I am also already wondering about the other albums I want to work on – what form they will be in (printing pages or bound photo albums).
Coming up with ways I can add more stories into my pages even when I don’t have the photos to go with them.
What I Don’t Like So Much
Some days I spend more than an hour working on this project – I love every second of it and wish I could do it all day – ha! But I am trying to be more conscious of NOT spending TOO MUCH TIME on this. The only way to sustain this for the full 100 days (and beyond – for future projects) is to NOT think it requires much effort and time (and money).
I can’t think of anything else, really, that I don’t like about doing this project. The truth is, I am enjoying it. And I am finding joy. It also inspires me to live a life worthy of those pages I make.
Last weekend, the husband and I explored the streets of Binondo to sample good food. We made new memories. It would have been easier to stay at home the entire weekend – eat, sleep, Netflix, repeat – and that would have been okay too. But actively documenting our lives through photos and stories moved us to do more.
I have yet to be caught up with this year’s book, when I do, it will only take once a week to stay current. I will then have the rest of the 100 days to work on my other albums. Can’t wait.